Journey to the Rock Tree

It is both dull and fascinating to live these cycles over and over again. I am in a lull with my business. The lull is fueled by lack of financial oomph. I could go into the waa of it all but I'm sure you get the idea. My challenge is in the spirit. I get depressed at times like these. I start to see myself failing. Then I begin to make plans for what I will do once I fail. I start to look at college courses.

I am aquarius. I have let this aspect of my nature rule many significant life decisions leading me along spontaneous whimsical threads that I do not regret. The trend to be self defeating and depressive is a cycle I go through on a regular basis. I have a tool bag to handle it these days but I realized today that it is a state I have normalized. I expect to fail at my crazy aquarian attempts at greatness. I predict failure for myself and speed up the process because I cannot bear to leave things unresolved. As I age I feel my taurus rising taking a stronger hold on my decisions. I think this is good for me to be more practical and grounded. Let aquarius make art but leave the long term goals to taurus who will hang in there through the rough spells. It is a shift in perspective that does not need to lean on astrology but I like to have names for my various inner beings.

11 years ago I was living and traveling in VW van with my hippie boyfriend in the Southwest. We did a good amount of backpacking into remote places. In March of 1999 we hiked into the Guadalupe Mountains of northern Texas. It was a long hike with a significant rise in elevation and I was carrying a 30 or 40 lb pack. I whined and complained so much that finally my boyfriend, Chuck, just went ahead and left me to my woe-is-me sluggish pace. I hated that climb. I couldn't believe I was subjecting myself to the physical torture. I wanted to stop and camp on a pile of vertical rocks rather than ascend one more step. I finally made it to the top. The view was stunning and a soft tent pad with a fire pit was already present. It snowed that night and I was prepared with my (heavy) 0 degree mummy bag. I felt proud that I had made it to the top and that I was prepared for my first time snow camping. The next day when we hiked back down Chuck went ahead again leaving me to reflect on the experience. I realized the symbolism of the climb and I use the lesson to this day. In the hardest of times just put one foot in front of the other and continue to breathe. The complaining weakened me. It drained my optimism and any capacity for appreciating the awesome beauty that was surrounding me.

Along the trail I passed this tree.
You'll notice that the tree has a rock in it's embrace. It just continued to grow, elevating it's new companion along the way. I have shown this photo to a number of friends throughout the years and it has never been received with much enthusiasm. I was always surprised because I was frozen in my tracks when I saw this natural wonder. I could never put my finger on what made it speak to me before now. This is how I feel about my tendencies toward depression and self defeat. If they want to stay in the path of my growth then it is my only choice to embrace these tendencies and continue upward. I am staying on this path, one foot in front of the other. If these lessons insist on working through me again and again then I will bring them along. It is this journey I choose.